Perinatal bereavement: when a child leaves before they’ve had a chance to stay
There is pain that defies description. There are voids so vast that they seem impossible to overcome. Losing a child—whether during pregnancy, at birth, or in the first days of life—is one of the most devastating experiences a human being can endure.
It’s not just an abstract loss. It’s the loss of a child. Of a name. Of the look we were waiting for. Of an entire life we had already imagined. It’s an immense grief, often invisible to the world, but absolutely real and legitimate.
At 23 Mai Paris, we support women through every stage of motherhood, including the most difficult ones. In this article, we address perinatal bereavement with the compassion, respect, and honesty it deserves. Because every child lost deserves to be remembered. And every grieving parent deserves to be heard.
If you are going through this difficult time, please know that we are thinking of you. And that you are not alone.
What is perinatal bereavement?
Definition and Reality
Perinatal bereavement refers to the loss of a child around the time of birth. It encompasses a range of situations, all of which are equally painful.
| Situation | Definition |
|---|---|
| Late miscarriage | Miscarriage after 14 weeks of amenorrhea |
| In utero fetal death (IUFD) | Fetal death |
| Stillborn child | Stillbirth after 22 weeks |
| Early neonatal death | During the first 7 days of life |
| Late neonatal death | Between 7 and 28 days old |
| Sudden Infant Death Syndrome | Sudden death of an apparently healthy baby |
In France, perinatal bereavement accounts for approximately 7,500 fetal deaths in utero and 1,500 neonatal deaths each year. Thousands of families are affected every year, often forced into silence by the taboo surrounding the issue.
Key takeaway: Perinatal bereavement is a silent reality that affects thousands of families every year. Every statistic represents a child. Every child is a life.
What you're going through is genuine grief
The validity of your pain
In our society, there is an implicit and cruel hierarchy of grief. As if losing a child before or during birth were “less serious” than losing an older child. As if love needed time to exist.
Your child once lived
Your child may have had a name. Parents who loved him or her, certainly. A future imagined, always. They existed in your arms, in your dreams, in every heartbeat you heard or hoped to hear. Their name, their movements, their face, your immense and immediate love, your plans, your identity as a parent—all of this is real and permanent. You are and will always be their father, their mother.The emotions of perinatal grief
An emotional roller coaster
There is no "right" way to grieve the loss of a child. All emotions are valid, even the most contradictory ones: feeling devastated and broken (you love them deeply), anger (at life, at God, at the doctors, at yourself), guilt (“What could I have done?” — often nothing), utter emptiness, envy of pregnant bellies and strollers, relief at times if your child has suffered (a normal emotion), shame (totally unjustified), loneliness even when surrounded by people, incomprehension (“how can life go on?”).
Emotions That Scare Us
Some emotions are so intense that they can be frightening. Yet they are normal: not wanting to do anything (grief-related depression is normal and treatable), not wanting to see anyone (isolation is a common response), being angry at everyone (a stage of grief), no longer recognizing your own life (everything has changed), not being able to look at other people’s babies (you don’t have to), feeling like it will never get better (it does get better, even if it’s imperceptible at first).
If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call 15 (SAMU) or 3114 immediately.
The birth of a stillborn child: a trial within a trial
What parents go through
Giving birth to a child you cannot take home is an experience of unimaginable emotional pain: the simultaneous physical and emotional pain of childbirth, that first glance (some choose to look, others do not—both are valid), the sometimes overwhelming need to hold your child, the hospital room, and the journey home—without them.
Visiting one's child: a personal decision
Your maternity rights
| Law | What it means |
|---|---|
| Single room | You shouldn't be around other moms and babies |
| Time with your child | As much as you like |
| Support from your loved ones | No time restrictions, if possible |
| Psychological counseling | You should be referred to a psychologist |
| Certificate of Death | Available as early as 15 weeks after the last menstrual period |
| Maternity/Paternity Leave | You have rights—find out more |
Administrative procedures: what nobody tells you
The stillbirth certificate
Since 2008, it has been possible to register a stillborn child starting at 15 weeks of gestation. This allows parents to give the child a first name and have the child listed in the family register. The registration must be completed at city hall within 3 days of the birth.
Maternity/Paternity Leave
The funeral
The maternity ward often provides care for stillborn babies. You also have the right to arrange a private funeral, cremation with the return of the ashes (depending on the gestational age), or to obtain a burial plot in a cemetery.
The body after loss
What Your Body Is Going Through
The cruel irony of perinatal bereavement is that your body doesn’t always know what your heart already knows: the onset of milk production (one of the most painful experiences), the belly that retains its shape (the body takes time to “forget”), the hormonal crash (baby blues tenfold), the exhaustion of childbirth without the joy, the scars and bleeding that serve as physical reminders of the loss.
The Milk Rush: An Unbearable Ordeal
Your body has done its job—that milk was meant for your baby. Medications are available to suppress lactation if you wish. Breast pads can help manage leaks and discomfort. Feel free to talk to your healthcare team about this.
The care you need
Postpartum medical care (your body needs attention), treatment to suppress lactation if you wish, complete rest, emotional support (urgent and necessary), perineal rehabilitation, and gynecological follow-up for future pregnancies if you wish.
Perinatal bereavement in couples
Two parallel bereavements
Loss affects both parents, but often in different ways. The mother experiences both physical and emotional grief, with a body that bears the scars, a need to talk, to name things, to cry, and a sense of physical guilt. The father or co-parent experiences emotional grief without the physical experience, with a sense of helplessness in the face of the other’s pain, sometimes a need to act and protect, and a sense of guilt for not having been able to protect.
How not to lose each other
Express your different needs so you don’t have to bear the pain alone; make it clear that no one is to blame to avoid implicit accusations; respect each other’s pace when it comes to wanting another pregnancy; take things slowly without putting pressure on intimacy; and consider specialized couples therapy if communication breaks down.
Siblings Coping with Loss
Under 3 years old: simple words — "The baby has gone away; he or she won't be coming back." 3–5 years old: "The baby was too small to survive; his or her heart stopped." 6–10 years old: an honest explanation; acknowledge their emotions and answer their questions. Teenagers: an open conversation — they are also grieving.
The emotions experienced by older adults (sadness, confusion, guilt, fear, anger) are all normal and deserve to be acknowledged with honesty. When they feel guilty, reassure them: “It’s not your fault.” When they express fear (“Could you die too?”), respond gently and truthfully.
How to Cross the Uncrossable
What can help move things forward
Perinatal grief cannot be cured. It must be integrated. Little by little, at your own pace, it finds a place within you that allows you to carry on with your life, without forgetting.
- Naming your child: choosing a first name if you haven't already.
- Making mourning a ritual: planting a tree, lighting a candle, creating a memorial space.
- Preserving tangible memories : photos, empreintes, vêtements.
- Talk to someone about it: a professional, a loved one, or a support group.
- Join a support group: parents who really understand.
- Writing: a letter to your child, a diary.
- Treat yourself on good days: guilt-free.
- Allowing yourself to have bad days: with no time limit.
The stages of grief (non-linear)
Shock and disbelief (“this isn’t real”), anger (at everything and everyone), guilt (“what if I had…”), deep sadness (the depths of despair), reorganization (figuring out how to live with this loss), and acceptance (the loss becomes a part of you, without destroying you). These stages are not linear. You can go back, get stuck in one, or experience them simultaneously.
October 15: World Perinatal Bereavement Day
Every year on October 15, parents around the world light a candle in memory of their lost children. In France, local events, lights in maternity wards, and online tributes help bring visibility to a grief that is all too often invisible.
When to Try Again: Pregnancy After a Loss
A "rainbow baby" is a child born after a perinatal loss. This pregnancy is often marked by intense fear at every checkup, difficulty forming an emotional bond (a coping mechanism), guilt about “replacing” the lost child (no child can ever replace another), joy mixed with sadness, and hypervigilance, which makes close medical monitoring recommended.
There’s no “right” time to feel ready. Medically speaking, your doctor will guide you. Emotionally, you don’t have to wait until you’re “cured.” As a couple, you may not be on the same page. Respect each other.
If you are supporting grieving parents
What they need
What You Should Never Say
| Never say this | Why does it hurt? |
|---|---|
| "You're young; you'll have plenty more." | You can't replace a child |
| "He's an angel now" | May not reflect your beliefs |
| "Everything happens for a reason" | Unbearable when there's no reason |
| "I understand how you feel" | Unless you've been through it |
| "You have to be strong for others" | No. It's okay to break down. |
| "Time heals all wounds" | Time helps, but it doesn't heal |
What you can do and say: "I'm so sorry for the loss of [first name]" (acknowledge the child by name), "You don't have to be strong" (give them permission to break down), send a message on October 15 (show that you haven't forgotten), cook a meal, or just be there.
Frequently Asked Questions
My doctor tells me I should be feeling better, but I'm not. Is that normal?
Yes, that’s perfectly normal. Perinatal grief doesn’t follow a medical timeline. If your doctor is pressuring you to “get better,” that doesn’t reflect the reality of your grief. Don’t hesitate to consult a specialized perinatal psychologist, who will understand the duration and depth of your grief.
My partner seems to be "getting better" before I am. Am I abnormal?
No. People grieve at their own pace. Your partner may not be “over it”—he or she is simply expressing their grief differently. Some people hide their pain to “protect” the other person. Communication remains essential, even when it hurts.
I've been having very dark thoughts since the loss. What should I do?
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or dying, call 15 (emergency medical services) or 3114 (the national suicide prevention hotline) immediately, or go to the emergency room. Your life is incredibly valuable. Grief is devastating, but professional support is available to help you through it.
Should I keep my baby's things?
There’s no right answer. Some parents keep everything, others need to declutter to move forward, and still others donate to charities. Do what feels right to you, at your own pace, without any outside pressure. And remember, you can always change your mind.
How do I manage birthdays?
Anniversary dates (due date, date of birth, date of death) are often very difficult times. Make sure you have people around you on those days. Create a ritual that allows you to honor your child. Give yourself permission not to “feel okay” on those days. Some organizations hold group ceremonies on October 15.
Can you talk about your lost child with the children you had later?
Yes, and it’s often helpful. Your child is part of your family’s history. Talking about them with their siblings helps everyone find their place, honors their memory, and normalizes the grieving process within the family. It’s up to you to find the right words for each child’s age.
A letter for you
To those of you who have lost a child,
Your child existed. He was loved. He always will be.
Your pain is as vast as that love: immense, infinite, and entirely justified. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be feeling better, that you have no right to suffer this much, or that you’re overreacting. You cannot overreact to the loss of your child.
There are no words to describe what you're going through. There's no set timeline for getting through it. There's no right way to grieve.
All there is is your love for him. And no one will ever be able to take that love away from you.
You are his father. His mother. Forever.
We're thinking of you.
Conclusion
Perinatal bereavement is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can go through. A child gone too soon, a love with no destination, a void that will never truly be filled. And yet, thousands of parents survive it, carry their child in their hearts, and gradually find a way to carry on living with this loss.
At 23 Mai Paris, we are thinking of all the families who are coping with this invisible grief. We believe that every child deserves to be recognized, that every parent deserves to be heard, and that talking about these losses is essential to breaking the taboo and supporting those who are suffering.
If you're going through this, reach out for support. Talk to a professional. Join a support group. And know that you're not alone.
Helplines
- 3114 — National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 24/7, toll-free
- SOS Amitié — 09 72 39 40 50, 24/7
- Red Cross Helpline — 0 800 858 858, toll-free
Organizations specializing in perinatal bereavement
- AGAPA — agapa.fr — support groups, counseling
- Our Stars — nosetoiles.fr — support after a miscarriage
- Petite Émilie — petiteemilie.org — family support
Reimbursement for mental health counseling
- MonPsy — monpsy.sante.gouv.fr — 8 sessions covered by Medicare
Your rights
- Sick leave: Ask your doctor; there is no minimum duration required
- MonPsy: 8 sessions with a psychologist covered by insurance
