Perinatal bereavement: when a child leaves before they’ve had a chance to stay

There is pain that defies description. There are voids so vast that they seem impossible to overcome. Losing a child—whether during pregnancy, at birth, or in the first days of life—is one of the most devastating experiences a human being can endure.

It’s not just an abstract loss. It’s the loss of a child. Of a name. Of the look we were waiting for. Of an entire life we had already imagined. It’s an immense grief, often invisible to the world, but absolutely real and legitimate.

At 23 Mai Paris, we support women through every stage of motherhood, including the most difficult ones. In this article, we address perinatal bereavement with the compassion, respect, and honesty it deserves. Because every child lost deserves to be remembered. And every grieving parent deserves to be heard.

If you are going through this difficult time, please know that we are thinking of you. And that you are not alone.

What is perinatal bereavement?

A grieving woman praying at her child's grave.

Definition and Reality

Perinatal bereavement refers to the loss of a child around the time of birth. It encompasses a range of situations, all of which are equally painful.

Situation	Definition
Late miscarriage	Miscarriage after 14 weeks of amenorrhea
In utero fetal death (IUFD)	Fetal death
Stillborn child	Stillbirth after 22 weeks
Early neonatal death	During the first 7 days of life
Late neonatal death	Between 7 and 28 days old
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome	Sudden death of an apparently healthy baby

What these figures represent

Data	Number
Fetal deaths in utero in France	About 7,500 per year
Neonatal deaths	About 1,500 per year
Families affected each year	Thousands
Women who speak openly about it	A minority, given how strong the taboo is

Key takeaway: Perinatal bereavement is a silent reality that affects thousands of families every year in France. Every statistic represents a child. Every child is a life.

What you're going through is genuine grief

A woman in tears, tenderly supported by her husband.

The validity of your pain

In our society, there is an implicit and cruel hierarchy of grief. As if losing a child before or during birth were “less serious” than losing an older child. As if love needed time to exist.

What society sometimes says	What is true
"He/she didn't suffer"	You do. And that's enough.
"It was so early"	Love knows no bounds
"You can have more"	No child can replace another
"We need to move on"	Grief doesn't follow a schedule
"At least you got to hold him in your arms"	Pain is not a matter of luck
"You didn't have time to buckle up"	False. Bonding begins as early as pregnancy

Your child once lived

Your child had a name, perhaps. Parents who loved him or her, certainly. A future you imagined, always. He or she existed in your arms, in your dreams, in every heartbeat you heard or hoped to hear.

What existed	What you're wearing
His first name	The one we chose, or the one we’ll give him
His movements	Those kicks, those little signs of life
Her face	Whether you've seen it or imagined it
Your love	Immense, immediate, irrevocable
Your projects	Everything you've ever dreamed of for him
Your Role as a Parent	You are and will always be her father and mother

The Emotions of Perinatal Grief

An emotional roller coaster

There is no "right" way to grieve the loss of a child. All emotions are valid, even the most conflicting ones.

Emotion	What it says about you
Devastated, broken	You love deeply
Anger	Against life, against God, against doctors, against yourself
Guilt	"What could I have done?" — often nothing
Complete emptiness	Absence where there once was life
Jealousy	Round bellies, strollers, babies
Relief, sometimes	If your child has been hurt—that’s a normal reaction
Shame	Completely unjustified
Loneliness	Even when surrounded by people
Misunderstanding	"How can life go on?"
Desire to die	If you have these thoughts, call a professional

Emotions That Scare Us

Some emotions are so intense that they can be frightening. Yet they are normal during perinatal bereavement.

A difficult emotion	What You Need to Know
"I don't feel like doing anything anymore"	Grief-related depression is normal and treatable
"I don't want to see anyone anymore"	Isolation is a common response
"I'm angry at everyone"	Anger is a stage of the grieving process
"I don't recognize my life anymore"	Everything has changed; it's normal to feel lost
"I can't stand looking at other people's babies"	You don't have to
"I feel like this will never happen"	Things are changing, even if it's hard to notice at first

The birth of a stillborn child: a trial within a trial

What parents go through

Giving birth to a stillborn child is a reality that few people truly understand. Giving birth to a child you cannot bring home is an experience of unimaginable emotional pain.

That moment	How parents might feel
The delivery itself	Simultaneous physical AND emotional pain
At first glance	Some choose to see it, others don't: both are right
Touch	Holding your child can be a basic need
The photos	A memory that many regret not having
The hospital room	Isolation or the presence of other babies
Coming Home	Without him

Visiting one's child: a personal decision

Choice	What You Need to Know
Seeing and holding your child	Can help bring the reality of grief into focus
Take photos	A cherished memory that many regret not having captured
Take a fingerprint	Hands, feet — a tangible keepsake
Not seeing one's child	That choice is just as valid
To regret one's choice	That's normal, no matter what choice is made

Your maternity rights

Law	What it means
Single room	You shouldn't be around other moms and babies
Time with your child	As much as you like
Support from your loved ones	No time restrictions, if possible
Psychological counseling	You should be referred to a psychologist
Certificate of Death	Available as early as 15 weeks after the last menstrual period
Maternity/Paternity Leave	You have rights—find out more

Administrative procedures: what nobody tells you

The stillbirth certificate

Since 2008, it has been possible to issue a birth certificate for a stillborn child as early as 15 weeks of amenorrhea, which allows parents to give the child a first name and have the child listed in the family register.

Approach	How to
Registration at City Hall	Within 3 days of birth
Possible first name	You can choose a first name
Family Register	The child can be enrolled there
Health insurance	Certain types of leave are available

Maternity/Paternity Leave

Situation	Law in France
Before 22 weeks	No mandatory paid leave; sick leave is available
After 22 weeks	Full maternity leave (16 weeks)
Neonatal death	Maternity leave that has already begun continues
Paternity	11 days of paternity leave

The funeral

Option	What You Need to Know
Covered by maternity insurance	Often recommended for children with low energy
Family funeral	You have that right
Cremation	Available with return of ashes based on gestational age
Cemetery plot	Possible for lifeless children

A couple attending their child's funeral.

The body after loss

What Your Body Is Going Through

The cruel irony of perinatal grief is that your body doesn’t always know what your heart already knows.

What the body experiences	What this means
The Milk Rush	One of the most painful trials
A flat stomach	It takes time for the body to "forget"
Hormonal imbalances	Baby blues times ten
Postpartum fatigue	Physical, but without the joy
Scars	Cesarean section, episiotomy as indicated
Bleeding	Physical reminder of the loss

The Milk Rush: An Unbearable Ordeal

The onset of milk production after the loss of a child is one of the least discussed yet most cruel realities of perinatal grief.

What's going on	What you can do
The milk is coming in anyway	Your body has done its job
Physical pain	There are medications available to suppress lactation
Emotional pain	This milk was made for him
Pads	To manage leaks and discomfort

The care you need

Skincare	Why
Postpartum medical follow-up	Your body needs care
Treatment to suppress lactation	If you'd like
Complete rest	Your body has been through a lot
Mental health support	Urgent and necessary
Pelvic floor rehabilitation	Even after a loss
Gynecological care	For future pregnancies, if you wish

Perinatal bereavement in couples

Two parallel bereavements

The loss of a child affects both parents, but often in different ways. And these differences can, if left unchecked, create a painful distance between them.

What the mother is going through	What the father/co-parent is going through
Physical AND emotional grief	Emotional grief without physical loss
A body bearing the marks	A feeling of helplessness in the face of another person's pain
Need to talk, express, cry	Sometimes we need to take action, to protect
Physical guilt	Guilt over not being able to protect
A grieving process that can sometimes take longer	Grief is sometimes expressed in different ways

How not to lose each other

Risk	How to deal with it
Finding oneself alone in one's pain	Identify your specific needs
Implicit blame	Reiterate that no one is responsible
Desire to try for another pregnancy at different paces	Respect others; don't force yourself
Intimacy that becomes painful	Take it easy, no pressure
The communication that is closing	Consider specialized couples therapy

Siblings Coping with Loss

A family trying to rebuild their lives after the loss of their child.

How to talk to a child about the death of a sibling

Age	How to broach the subject
Under 3 years old	In simple terms: "The baby is gone; he won't be coming back."
3–5 years	"The baby was too small to survive; its heart stopped."
Ages 6–10	Honest explanation, openness to emotions and questions
Teenager	Open conversation: he is also grieving

How older adults may feel

The Eldest Child's Emotions	How to support them
Sadness	Validate, don't downplay
Confusion	Answer the questions honestly
Guilt	"It's not your fault" — repeat this
Jealousy	"You had been waiting so long for this baby..."
Fear	"Can you die too?"
Anger	A normal reaction to the incomprehensible

How to Cross the Uncrossable

What can help move things forward

Perinatal grief cannot be cured. It must be integrated. Little by little, at your own pace, it finds a place within you that allows you to carry on with your life, without forgetting.

What can help	How to
Naming Your Child	Give him a first name if you haven't already
Making a ritual of mourning	Plant a tree, light a candle, create a memorial space
Preserving tangible memories	Photos, fingerprints, clothing
Talk about it	To a professional, to family and friends, to an organization
Join a support group	Parents who understand
Write	A letter to her child, a diary
Treating yourself on good days	Without guilt
Allowing yourself to have bad days	No time limit

Rituals that help with the grieving process

Ritual	Description
The Candle of Remembrance	Lit every year on the anniversary
The Book of Remembrance	Photos, fingerprints, letters
The planted tree	That grows in his memory
National Day	October 15: World Perinatal Bereavement Day
The parents' group	Share with families who understand
The Annual Letter	Write to your child every year

The stages of grief (non-linear)

Step	What you can experience
Shock and disbelief	"It's not real"
Anger	Against everything and everyone
Guilt	"What if I had..."
Deep sadness	The bottom of the abyss
Reorganization	Figuring out how to live with this loss
Integration	Absence is a part of you, without destroying you

These stages are not linear. You can go back, get stuck in one of them, or experience them all at the same time.

When to Try Again: Pregnancy After a Loss

Rainbow Pregnancy

A child born after a perinatal loss is referred to as a "rainbow baby." This pregnancy is often marked by intense anxiety.

What parents go through	How to deal with it
Intense fear every time I take a test	Normal, as expected
Difficulty forming attachments	Protection mechanism
Guilt over "replacing"	No child can replace another
Joy mixed with sadness	The two emotions coexist
Hypervigilance	Close medical monitoring is recommended

When to feel ready

Appearance	What You Need to Know
Medically	Your doctor will advise you based on your situation
Emotionally	There is no "right" time
In a relationship	You don't necessarily have the same pace
Regarding your grief	We don't wait to be "cured"

Resources to help you get through this

Specialized organizations

Association	What she offers
AGAPA	Perinatal Bereavement Support Group, Support Groups
Small Footprint	Support for families following a perinatal loss
SOS Premature	Support for parents of premature babies
SPAMA	Psychological support and counseling
Our Little Ones	Support for families experiencing perinatal bereavement

World Perinatal Bereavement Day

Every year on October 15, parents around the world light a candle in memory of their lost children. This day helps bring to light a grief that is all too often invisible.

In France	Around the world
Local Initiatives	Organized by the associations
Lighting in maternity wards	In memory of the children we have lost
Online tributes	Virtual support communities
Public Awareness	To break the taboo

Professionals to consult

Professional	Why consult
Perinatal psychologist	Specializing in this specific type of grief
Psychiatrist	If you have severe depression or suicidal thoughts
Midwife	For physical and emotional support
Couples therapist	If the relationship is put to the test
Primary care physician	For sick leave and referral
Gynecologist	For follow-up care and future pregnancies

If you are supporting grieving parents

What they need

What they need	What you can do
Acknowledgments	"Your child was real; your pain is real"
Attendance	Without trying to make amends or offer comfort
Duration	Don't disappear after a few weeks
Thesis	Talking about the child, saying the child's name
Practical help	Meals, grocery shopping, elder care

What You Should Never Say

Never say this	Why does it hurt?
"You're young; you'll have plenty more."	You can't replace a child
"He's an angel now"	May not reflect your beliefs
"Everything happens for a reason"	Unbearable when there's no reason
"I understand how you feel"	Unless you've been through it
"You have to be strong for others"	No. It's okay to break down.
"Time heals all wounds"	Time helps, but it doesn't heal

What you can say and do

A gesture or a word	Why does it help?
"I'm so sorry for the loss of [first name]"	Recognizes the child by name
"You don't have to be strong"	Permission to break down
"I'm here, with no expectations"	A relaxed atmosphere
Send a message on October 15	To show that we haven't forgotten
Prepare a meal	Practical help
Don't disappear after the first month	The pain persists

Frequently Asked Questions

My doctor tells me I should be feeling better, but I'm not. Is that normal?

Yes, that’s perfectly normal. Perinatal grief doesn’t follow a medical timeline. If your doctor is pressuring you to “get better,” that doesn’t reflect the reality of your grief. Don’t hesitate to consult a specialized perinatal psychologist, who will understand the duration and depth of your grief.

My partner seems to be "getting better" before I am. Am I abnormal?

No. People grieve at their own pace. Your partner may not be “over it”—he or she is simply expressing their grief differently. Some people hide their pain to “protect” the other person. Communication remains essential, even when it hurts.

I've been having very dark thoughts since the loss. What should I do?

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or dying, call 15 (emergency medical services) or 3114 (the national suicide prevention hotline) immediately, or go to the emergency room. Your life is incredibly valuable. Grief is devastating, but professional support is available to help you through it.

Should I keep my baby's things?

There’s no right answer. Some parents keep everything, others need to declutter to move forward, and still others donate to charities. Do what feels right to you, at your own pace, without any outside pressure. And remember, you can always change your mind.

How do I manage birthdays?

Anniversary dates (due date, date of birth, date of death) are often very difficult times. Make sure you have people around you on those days. Create a ritual that allows you to honor your child. Give yourself permission not to “feel okay” on those days. Some organizations hold group ceremonies on October 15.

Can you talk about your lost child with the children you had later?

Yes, and it’s often helpful. Your child is part of your family’s history. Talking about them with their siblings helps everyone find their place, honors their memory, and normalizes the grieving process within the family. It’s up to you to find the right words for each child’s age.

A letter for you

To those of you who have lost a child,

Your child existed. He was loved. He always will be.

Your pain is as vast as that love: immense, infinite, and entirely justified. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be feeling better, that you have no right to suffer this much, or that you’re overreacting. You cannot overreact to the loss of your child.

There are no words to describe what you're going through. There's no set timeline for getting through it. There's no right way to grieve.

All there is is your love for him. And no one will ever be able to take that love away from you.

You are his father. His mother. Forever.

We're thinking of you.

Conclusion

Perinatal bereavement is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can go through. A child gone too soon, a love with no destination, a void that will never truly be filled. And yet, thousands of parents survive it, carry their child in their hearts, and gradually find a way to carry on living with this loss.

At 23 Mai Paris, we are thinking of all the families who are coping with this invisible grief. We believe that every child deserves to be recognized, that every parent deserves to be heard, and that talking about these losses is essential to breaking the taboo and supporting those who are suffering.

If you're going through this, reach out for support. Talk to a professional. Join a support group. And know that you're not alone.