Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs to Hear

There are pains that have no name in the dictionary of others. Grieves we bear alone, often in silence, sometimes without even having been able to tell the world that we were expecting a baby. Miscarriage is one of those invisible trials that shake a woman to her core, without leaving any visible trace for the outside world.

If you’re reading this today, perhaps you’ve just gone through this ordeal. Perhaps someone you love is going through it right now. Perhaps you’re searching for the words to make sense of it all, to put a name to what you’re feeling, to know that you’re not alone.

At 23 Mai Paris, we support women through every stage of their journey into motherhood, including the most painful ones. In this article, we discuss miscarriage with the respect, compassion, and honesty that this topic deserves.

What you're feeling is real and valid

A woman going through a miscarriage with compassion

The grief that no one sees

A miscarriage isn't "just" a medical loss. It is the loss of a child you dreamed of, a future you imagined, and a love that was already immense for someone you haven't even met yet.

What you may have already started building	What is lost in a miscarriage
A first name	The one we had secretly chosen
A Room Imagined	Colors, movement, light
A date	The term "Christmas with a baby" in the summer
Projects	The stroller, maternity leave
An identity	Mom's
A link	Already deep, already powerful

All of this is real. All of this is worth mourning.

The emotions you may experience

There is no "right" way to experience a miscarriage. All emotions are valid.

Emotion	What it means
Deep sadness	A loss that deserves to be acknowledged
Anger	"Why me?" is a legitimate question
Guilt	"What did I do wrong?" — Nothing; it's not your fault.
Empty	Absence where there once was life
Relief, sometimes	A normal reaction—nothing to be ashamed of
Jealousy	Seeing other people's baby bumps hurts
Denial	"That's not possible"
Loneliness	Even when surrounded
Shame	Completely unjustified but often felt
Anxiety	For future pregnancies

Key takeaway: There is no "right" way to feel. All of your emotions—even the most conflicting ones—are normal and valid.

The figures that would break the isolation if we knew them

You are not alone

Data	Number
Miscarriages in France	About 200,000 per year
Frequency	1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage
Women affected	Millions of people around the world
Women who talk about it	A minority, due to shame and taboo
Women with multiple FCs	1 in 100 women has more than 3

These statistics aren't meant to downplay your pain. They're here to let you know that you're part of a silent community of women who have been through what you're going through.

Why don't we talk about it?

Reason for the silence	The reality
"It was early"	Pain doesn't have a set number of weeks
Irrational shame	As if it were your fault
Afraid of bothering someone	As if your grief were too much for others to bear
Social minimization	"It happens to everyone" silences the conversation
Invisibility	No leave, no official recognition
Fear of judgment	For having become "too" attached so early on

What You'll Be Told (and Why It Hurts)

Words that hurt, even when said with good intentions

Interlocked hands symbolizing support after a loss

These words are spoken with love. But sometimes they do more harm than good.

What you're told	Why does it hurt?
"It wasn't sustainable"	That doesn't erase the love we had
"It happens all the time; it happens to everyone."	Relieves a single episode of pain
"You can have more"	It’s no consolation; another baby can’t replace this one
"Nature did a good job"	Your body didn't "do something wrong"; it suffered a loss
"We need to move on"	Grief doesn't follow a schedule
"At least you weren't too far along"	There is no "right" week to lose a baby
"Take a break and try again soon"	As if it were that simple
"You have to be strong"	No. You have the right not to be strong

What you really needed to hear

What you need	How to put it
Acknowledgments	"I'm so sorry for your loss"
Validation	"You have every right to feel devastated"
Attendance	"I'm here, no pressure"
Compassionate silence	Sometimes, no words are needed
No advice	Just being there

The body after a miscarriage

What Your Body Is Going Through

A miscarriage is also a physical ordeal, one that is often underestimated.

What the body experiences	What this means
Bleeding	Variables in intensity and duration
Pain	Sometimes similar to contractions
Hormone levels dropping	Sudden crying, extreme fatigue
A body that "doesn't know yet"	Nausea that sometimes persists
Wound healing	The body needs time
Extreme fatigue	Physical AND emotional

Types of miscarriage

Type	Description
Spontaneous and natural	The body naturally expels
Incomplete miscarriage	Requires medical supervision
Missed miscarriage	The embryo has stopped developing, but the body hasn't expelled it yet
Ectopic pregnancy	Medical emergency, severe pain
Late miscarriage	After 14 weeks, perinatal bereavement

The care you deserve

Skincare	Why it's important
Medical follow-up	Make sure everything is complete
Rest	Your body needs to recover
Gentle feeding	Take care of yourself from the inside out
Be kind to yourself	No immediate resumption
Mental health support	You're entitled to it, and it's necessary

The aftermath: the lingering questions

"Is it my fault?"

No.

That's the answer. Short, definitive, and unconditional.

What we blame ourselves for	The Medical Reality
The sport played	Is not a cause of miscarriage
Experienced stress	Is not a direct cause
What we ate	Is not at issue
Sexual intercourse	Is not a cause
Not realizing it sooner	Don't change a thing
Waiting too long to quit drinking	One or two instances do not cause FC

In most cases, early miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities—in other words, something that was beyond your control.

"Why is this happening to me?"

There is often no answer. And that is one of the hardest things to accept. The lack of an explanation is a trial in itself.

What women are looking for	What Medicine Can (and Cannot) Tell Us
One reason	Often undefined
Someone to blame	No one is responsible
We'll definitely do it again next time	No guarantees, but a good prediction
A meaning	Sometimes unavailable

"When can we try again?"

Appearance	What You Need to Know
Medically	Usually after one cycle, but your doctor will advise you
Emotionally	When you feel ready—not before
Psychologically	There is no set timeframe for grieving
In a relationship	You don't necessarily have the same pace

There is no right answer. There is your answer.

"Will I be able to do it next time?"

Reassuring statistic	Number
After a miscarriage	85% of subsequent pregnancies proceed without complications
After two miscarriages	75–80% chance of a full-term pregnancy
After three miscarriages	70% with specialized care

These figures are not promises. But they do show that hope is statistically justified.

Grief: How to Get Through the Unbearable

A candle lit in memory of a baby lost in a miscarriage

The stages of grief (which are not linear)

Step	How you might feel
Shock and denial	"That's not possible"
Anger	Against you, against life, against others
Bargaining	"What if I had done things differently?"
Deep sadness	The depths of grief
Acceptance	Don't forget, but make it part of who you are

These stages don't necessarily happen in order. You can move from one to another, go back, or get stuck in one.

What can help you get through it

What helps	How to
Naming the Loss	Say "I lost my baby," not "I had a miscarriage"
Make a ritual out of it	Plant a tree, light a candle, write a letter
Talk about it	A trusted friend, a therapist, a support group
To cry	No time limit
Get support	Business or organization
Taking care of your body	Take it easy, no pressure
Allowing yourself to laugh	It doesn't betray your grief

What should not be expected of you

What we sometimes expect	What you are allowed to do
"Get better fast"	Take as much time as you need
"Being strong for others"	Break down if you need to
"Get back to work quickly"	Request a stop if necessary
"Don't mention it"	Talk about it as much as you need to
"Put things into perspective"	Never downplay your own pain

Your Relationship and Miscarriage

A couple supporting each other after a miscarriage

Two different bereavements

A miscarriage affects both parents, but not always in the same way or at the same pace.

What the woman is going through	What the partner is going through
Physical AND emotional grief	Emotional grief, without physical experience
A deep connection has already been established	Connection is sometimes not as immediate
A body that endures	Feeling of helplessness
Need to talk	Sometimes you just have to take action
Guilt	Feeling of uselessness

How to Keep Pain from Pushing You Away

Risk	How to avoid it
Communicate differently	Identify your specific needs
Implicit blame	Remember that no one is to blame
A desire to try again at different paces	Respect the other person's pace
Loneliness in Pain	Seeking a shared space for dialogue

When and how to talk to others about it

Who to talk to

No one	When and how
Your doctor or midwife	First, for medical care and referral
A trusted friend	When you feel ready
Your family	At your own pace, depending on your relationship
A psychologist	When grief becomes overwhelming
A support group	So you don't feel alone
On social media	Many women are sharing their stories and building connections

How to talk to an older person about it

Child's age	How can I explain
Under 3 years old	Not necessary
3–5 years	"The baby is gone; our bodies weren't ready."
Ages 6–10	A simple and honest explanation: acknowledging one's sadness
Teenager	An open conversation—he might be feeling the loss too

Resources to help you get through this

Organizations and helplines

Resource	What she offers
AGAPA	Support Group for Women Who Have Experienced a Miscarriage
Pregnancy SOS	Call monitoring
"Our Little Ones" Association	Support after perinatal bereavement
Perinatal psychologist	Specialized support
Facebook support groups	A community of women who understand

Books That Make You Feel Good

Book	Author	Who is it for?
"Perinatal Bereavement"	Collective	For all
"After the loss of a baby"	Isabelle Delorme	For women
"Little Light"	Poetry Collection	For those who are searching for the right words

Professionals to consult

Professional	Why
Gynecologist or midwife	Physical examination, evaluation in cases of recurrent miscarriages
Perinatal psychologist	Specializing in these specific types of grief
Sexologist	If privacy is affected
Primary care physician	If you need to take time off work

If you are supporting someone who is going through a miscarriage

What she needs to hear

To say	Don't say that
"I'm so sorry"	"It happens all the time."
"Your loss is real"	"It was early; you'll have plenty more chances."
"I'm here if you want to talk"	"We have to be strong now"
"Take as much time as you need"	"You should be feeling better by now."
"I'm thinking of you"	Nothing at all (the painful silence)

What you can do in practice

Gesture	How to
Bring him something to eat	Without her having to ask
Offer to babysit the oldest child	Give him some time
Send him a message regularly	Even if no response is expected
Don't forget about it after a few weeks	The pain persists
Give him a self-help book	A concrete action
Just being there	Without trying to fix it

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel depressed after a miscarriage?

Yes, it’s perfectly normal. A miscarriage causes a sudden drop in hormone levels, which can physically trigger depression, in addition to the emotional grief. If your depression lasts longer than a few weeks or gets worse, talk to a healthcare professional. You deserve support.

Do you have to report a miscarriage to the city hall?

In France, miscarriages occurring before 15 weeks of amenorrhea are not subject to mandatory reporting. Since 2020, however, it has been possible to register the unborn child in a special registry. Between 15 and 22 weeks, a stillbirth certificate may be issued. After 22 weeks, standard civil registry procedures apply. Check with your maternity ward or your doctor.

My partner doesn't seem as upset as I am. Is that normal?

Yes. Partners often experience a miscarriage differently. Some don’t express their emotions much, while others try to “fix” things rather than process their feelings. That doesn’t mean they’re suffering any less. Open and compassionate communication about your respective needs is essential during this time.

When can I go back to work?

There is no one-size-fits-all rule. Some women need to get back to work quickly because they crave a sense of normalcy. Others need more time. In France, your doctor can prescribe sick leave. Don’t hesitate to ask for it if you need it. Your grief is legitimate.

How can I tell if my grief is "normal" or if I need help?

If your sadness is preventing you from going about your daily life, if you’re having dark thoughts, if you’re completely isolating yourself, or if the pain doesn’t subside after several weeks: seek professional help. Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because you deserve support during this difficult time.

A letter for you

To those of you who have lost a baby,

Your pain is real. Your love was real. Your baby existed—in your heart, in your dreams, in the plans you had already begun to make.

You didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing you could have done differently. It wasn't a punishment. It wasn't a sign. It was an unfair pain, and you have every right to feel devastated.

Take as much time as you need. Cry as much as you need to. And when you’re ready—not before—allow yourself to hope again.

You are not alone

A woman looking toward the horizon with hope after a miscarriage

Conclusion

Miscarriage is one of the most silent and unfair trials a woman can go through. It deserves to be named, acknowledged, and mourned. Women who experience it deserve to be surrounded by care, supported, and freed from any sense of guilt.

At 23 Mai Paris, we believe that every stage of motherhood—even the most painful ones—deserves to be supported with kindness and respect. We think of all the women who carry this invisible grief, and we are by your side through every chapter of your journey as a mother.

If you are going through this right now, know that you deserve all the support you can get. Don’t hesitate to see a healthcare professional, reach out to a support group, or simply talk to someone you trust.

Because going through a miscarriage should never be something you have to face alone, here are some resources to help you find the support you deserve.